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If I were a

«There are always women who will take men on their own terms. If I were a man I wouldn't bother to change while there are women like that around.»
«If I were a writer, how I would enjoy being told the novel is dead. How liberating to work in the margins, outside a central perception. You are the ghoul of literature. Lovely.»
«He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.»
«If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.»
«I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself.»
«I have more memories than if I were a thousand years old.»
«If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment»
«I feel as if I were a piece in a game of chess, when my opponent says of it: That piece cannot be moved.»
«If I were a woman I would kiss as many of you as had beards that pleased me, complexions that liked me and breaths that I defied not»