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roommate

«I don't need to pay a therapist to give me crap. I have a roommate that does it for free.»
«I'm not the easiest person to live with. I'm kind of a slob. So for me to consider a roommate, it would have to be one of my sisters or something.»
«I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.»
«My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.»
«My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.»